On Sexuality and Boxes...

So, I think I write about my sexuality way too much... or maybe not. Well, here I go again.

So, I'm a lesbian, a semi-out lesbian. My friends know, most of my family knows... my co-workers... not so much. Well, not unless they stumble across my blog or myspace page...

Anyway, the one person who should know - my mother - has no idea. Well, let me rephrase that: the one person I should tell - my mother - I have not, though I'm pretty sure she already knows. Sigh. Why is this so hard? Why can't I just say, "Look Mama, I'm gay, queer, lesbian, like girls, a pussy licker..."? Who knows?

So, Christmas just passed and I decided to have it here, so that my daughter could open up her presents in her own home for once. I decided not to hide any of my stuff like I normally do (well, I did remove "Lesbian Sex" and "Tantric Sex" from my bookshelf... not comfortable with her knowing my sexual tastes...) So, all of Black lesbian anthologies and whatnot were on display, as was my artwork and whatever else I have laying around here. Did she see these things? Yes. Did she comment? Nope.

That makes this even harder. I mean, I know she knows. She's made so many interesting little comments... but we've never had "the talk." I'm really dreading it...

But, I didn't start this post to talk about that. I started this to talk about my sexuality. My identity. What kind of lesbian I am.

The other day, an old friend (my best friend for many, many years actually) asked me if I would ever go back with men. I told her probably not, that while I recognize that sexuality is fluid, I just like women. I can't see myself being with a man again. Not 10 minutes later she's trying to get me to date a guy she knows... whatever.

So, this brings me to my topic - the fluidity of sexuality. I really like this girl, we'll call her H. She's open, as she calls it. She says she doesn't base her attractions on gender. I think that's interesting. In theory, I agree. In practice though, I just like girls, well women. When I was coming out to myself, I thought I was bisexual. I was so confused (please note that I am not saying that those who identify as bisexual or open are confused or anything of the like) about who and what I was and what I wanted and what it meant that I had been with a few men and sometimes kind of liked it, and even had feelings for some of them, but that it's with women that I connect and love and want to make a life. I coldn't figure out if I liked men or if I was just a victim of heterosexist socialization.

I spent the time trying to figure out what percentage of me was attracted to women and what percentage men. Since, I was like 80% attracted to women, did that mean that I was by virtue of quantity I was a lesbian? Or since I was attracted to both, that I was bisexual? I wondered why there weren't terms like mullato, quadroon and octoroon that could describe the percentage of "homo blood" I had just as those terms described ones percentage of "darky blood". I thought maybe I'm queer. Maybe I'm just not straight and that's all that matters. Finally, it was H, who helped me to define myself as lesbian - and I'm sure she doesn't even know it.

I identify as lesbian because I love women. I love the way women interact with each other. I love the bonds between women. I love women's bodies. I love the way I can see the outline of a butch woman's breasts in her men's clothing. I love the shape of a fem woman's body in her woman's clothing. I love the way my relationships with women have mingled friendship and love in a way that none of relationships with men ever did. I love the way a woman understands my body. I love the way I can bond with women through the collective oppresssions we face, similar to the way I can bond with Black people and others of color. I just love women. I'm very much woman-identified. I also love to make love to/with a woman...

But I digress.

I identify as lesbian because no matter how attracted to a man I might be, it could never come close to matching the love for women I have. I identify as lesbian because I recognize that the personal is political, and I don't ever want to downplay my sexuality or my attraction to women and to me, I feel that it would be dishonest to call myself bisexual simply because I might find the occasional man attractive and can enjoy sex with men, when it's with women that I want to build my life.

This is not to say that I don't think it's possible for me to be in love with a man. I know it is, but I find it hard to believe that it will ever happen. Does that make sense?

I don't know. Sexuality is a slippery, sliipery slope. There are no boxes. It's not like there's some kind of line up that says ok, you like girls, you're over here, you like boys you're here, you like both? Well, how many of each? Sexuality doesn't work that way. Really, I think there is some merit to identifying as queer or open or whatever. I believe that it prohibits people from assigning you to a box, though I think some will automatically assign you to the gay box.

Ugh, I'm rambling.

I don't know what I'm trying to say with this post. I just needed to get this off of my chest...