On Pride and a Sound Mind and Living Inside the Glow...

"...I love you more than I love life itself, but I need to find a place where I can breathe... " India.Arie "Beautiful"

Every year I make a New Year's Resolution. Every year I put a lot of thought into it, and I list all of the things that I want to work on myself to make me the best me possible. It's quite cathartic actually. This year, I didn't actually write down what my resolutions are, but I've been thinking about them nonetheless.

And I've been thinking, I am so damn proud of myself. I really am.

I can honestly say that 2008 has been one of the hardest, if not the hardest year(s) of my life. But at the same time, I can say that it has been one of the best in many different ways. I can see so much growth in the me I was on 1 January 2008 and today on 1 January 2009. And I am so proud I'm moved to tears.

I think it's that balance of the good and the bad, and my being able to take both, without cracking, that makes me so proud. When I ended 2006, which had seemed like it was going to be one of the best years of my life, I was so depressed. I was having anxiety attacks and getting myself so worked up about what other people thought of me and my life, that it was affecting me physically and mentally. I was in a relationship that seemed to be draining my soul. No lie. And I felt like I was in a gray cloud and couldn't see my way into the sunlight again. Even now, when I think back on that period of my life, it looks gray (guess you'd actually have to be in my mind to see/know what I'm talking about).

Today, I am so proud.

2008 was filled with some of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with. I had to face my biggest fear and deal with some issues that honestly I'm still dealing with. I've never made this much at a job, and I've never struggled this much financially. I don't know if I've ever lost as many friends and loved ones in one year as I lost in 2008. Every time I made a step forward, it felt like I was taking 2steps backward.

But I'm proud.

I'm proud because sometimes I get down, but never have I gotten to the place I was in 2006/07. I want to live. I'm proud that as terrible and difficult as 2008 was, I've made it through with my sanity - no depression, no anxiety. I'm proud because as much as the bad has gotten me down, I've been able to appreciate the good. I'm proud because though I lost some relationships, I've made some new ones that I think will sustain me in a way those old ones never could have. I'm proud because I love myself and it took a damn long time to get to this point...

So, I chose to quote those lyrics by India.Arie because a few years ago, a friend and I were talking about that song and what exactly it meant. She'd heard an interpretation that has stuck with me forever. She said this song wasn't about India outgrowing a romantic relationship, but instead outgrowing herself. She said that the song was talking about how much she loved herself and the place where she was, but that she yearned for more, for growth, and though it pained her to leave who she is for who she will be, she had to do it. She had to find a place where the new India could breathe and flourish and be given light and love.

I love that.

So, I wish I could've written/posted this on December 31st, but it didn't work out that way. No regrets though.

I'm so proud of me and I'm breathing...